The Machine
Nance made me quit the gym. She was sick of spending 80 bucks a month on a membership that I use only sporadically. Of course, I have a great deal of guilt over paying for it when in some months I don’t even go once, and in other months I might go twice (40 bucks a visit!). I also know there will always be times when I go a lot -- but only for a relatively short span of time. Mostly, though, I am nostalgic about it because I have been a member since college -- almost 15 years now. Over those years I have probably averaged 20 visits a year. You do the math.
So she was sick of it, and I was sick of the guilt (and let's just say that she helped grease the wheels of that process). And anyway I knew it was the right thing to do. So I quit. This set off a storm of fights as I pouted and tantrumed and generally muddled through my grief.
Then I had a brilliant idea. We had been talking for some time about getting an exercise machine in anticipation of having a baby (if that ever happens). Although Nance would be content to exercise outdoors through the long, harsh winter, she won’t always be able to get out of the house to exercise once there is a small creature in the house that can't be left alone (or walked with the same gusto as the dogs). Of course, I can't get my ass outside to exercise in even the finest weather, but I certainly wouldn't want to head off to the gym for several hours (not that I need further discouragement), and we probably wouldn't be able to go to yoga class whenever we wanted.
So we were planning to spend a thousand bucks on a decent machine -- I thought, based on absolutely nothing but wishful thinking, that one could get a high quality treadmill for around that amount. But then it I had this alarming realization: "Wait a minute, I HATE the treadmill!" Luckily, I realized this before I spent a thousand dollars on one. Then I further declared, "But I LOVE the elliptical! That's it!"
So I started researching ellipticals. I read about them on consumer reports, which only confirmed my belief that one should not waste one's time or money or space buying a low quality elliptical machine, because one will not use said piece of low quality shit and one's ass will only expand further. This warning played on my inherent fear that I won't use said piece of shit, and it dovetailed nicely with my innate penchant for spending money on the most expensive things I can find. Seriously, I am starting to think I have a bit of loopiness in this department.
After I settled on the elliptical and concluded that I really had to buy a gym quality machine or nothing, I started searching ebay and other places on the web. Guess what? They don't sell for a thousand bucks. Not for two thousand, either. Twenty-seven hundred big ones, baby.
After several weeks (months maybe) of looking into it (rarely am I so non-impulsive) I finally concluded that that is simply how much it will cost to have the machine I want.
So I got it. (Can we say, "entitled"?) We figure it will pay for itself in four more years of gym dues. Despite my worry that I have a mental illness that causes me to seek out and plunk down money for very expensive items, Nance bought my reasoning with no objection. She doesn’t suffer from my affliction of loving to spend money for its own sake, so I went with that. With shipping from California for the totally re-manufactured (and warrantied) machine, it cost just over 3000.
Am I an idiot?
But I am really excited to use it. At least for tonight. After that, if worst comes to worst, the handlebars will be good for drying clothes. But then, of course, not only would my ass continue to expand, but my partner would surely kill me. Dead. So I have no choice. I can just hear her now, as I settle into bed at night: "Did you use your three thousand dollar machine today?"
By my calculation, if I use it 375 times, that would amount to paying 8 bucks a session, which is the same as yoga class. (Of course, the fact that we buy unlimited class cards for yoga complicates matters, because I am obligated to attend 3-4 classes per week in order to justify that expense! But I do.) That's a little over a year of using it every day, which is not realistic. But, of course, I will have it for many more years than that, and I will not be the only one using it.
It arrived yesterday (I haven't named it yet, but I am thinking of Bertha). The box it came in looks like Monty Python’s Trojan Bunny. My brother Bob, the hero, is coming over tonight with his friend Michael to get it into my basement. It weighs 250 pounds. That's one big bunny. Now, if only my ass would get smaller, it would all be worth it.
So she was sick of it, and I was sick of the guilt (and let's just say that she helped grease the wheels of that process). And anyway I knew it was the right thing to do. So I quit. This set off a storm of fights as I pouted and tantrumed and generally muddled through my grief.
Then I had a brilliant idea. We had been talking for some time about getting an exercise machine in anticipation of having a baby (if that ever happens). Although Nance would be content to exercise outdoors through the long, harsh winter, she won’t always be able to get out of the house to exercise once there is a small creature in the house that can't be left alone (or walked with the same gusto as the dogs). Of course, I can't get my ass outside to exercise in even the finest weather, but I certainly wouldn't want to head off to the gym for several hours (not that I need further discouragement), and we probably wouldn't be able to go to yoga class whenever we wanted.
So we were planning to spend a thousand bucks on a decent machine -- I thought, based on absolutely nothing but wishful thinking, that one could get a high quality treadmill for around that amount. But then it I had this alarming realization: "Wait a minute, I HATE the treadmill!" Luckily, I realized this before I spent a thousand dollars on one. Then I further declared, "But I LOVE the elliptical! That's it!"
So I started researching ellipticals. I read about them on consumer reports, which only confirmed my belief that one should not waste one's time or money or space buying a low quality elliptical machine, because one will not use said piece of low quality shit and one's ass will only expand further. This warning played on my inherent fear that I won't use said piece of shit, and it dovetailed nicely with my innate penchant for spending money on the most expensive things I can find. Seriously, I am starting to think I have a bit of loopiness in this department.
After I settled on the elliptical and concluded that I really had to buy a gym quality machine or nothing, I started searching ebay and other places on the web. Guess what? They don't sell for a thousand bucks. Not for two thousand, either. Twenty-seven hundred big ones, baby.
After several weeks (months maybe) of looking into it (rarely am I so non-impulsive) I finally concluded that that is simply how much it will cost to have the machine I want.
So I got it. (Can we say, "entitled"?) We figure it will pay for itself in four more years of gym dues. Despite my worry that I have a mental illness that causes me to seek out and plunk down money for very expensive items, Nance bought my reasoning with no objection. She doesn’t suffer from my affliction of loving to spend money for its own sake, so I went with that. With shipping from California for the totally re-manufactured (and warrantied) machine, it cost just over 3000.
Am I an idiot?
But I am really excited to use it. At least for tonight. After that, if worst comes to worst, the handlebars will be good for drying clothes. But then, of course, not only would my ass continue to expand, but my partner would surely kill me. Dead. So I have no choice. I can just hear her now, as I settle into bed at night: "Did you use your three thousand dollar machine today?"
By my calculation, if I use it 375 times, that would amount to paying 8 bucks a session, which is the same as yoga class. (Of course, the fact that we buy unlimited class cards for yoga complicates matters, because I am obligated to attend 3-4 classes per week in order to justify that expense! But I do.) That's a little over a year of using it every day, which is not realistic. But, of course, I will have it for many more years than that, and I will not be the only one using it.
It arrived yesterday (I haven't named it yet, but I am thinking of Bertha). The box it came in looks like Monty Python’s Trojan Bunny. My brother Bob, the hero, is coming over tonight with his friend Michael to get it into my basement. It weighs 250 pounds. That's one big bunny. Now, if only my ass would get smaller, it would all be worth it.
posted by Chase at 12:43 PM
2 Comments:
Oh my god!!!!I can't believe you made that kind of investment! You brave soul. I currently own a recumbent bike, a cheap elliptical machine that I don't want to use cause it squeaks and a Bow Flex. This is approximately $1,000 worth of equipment which is still far less than your machine. Now I am thinking that I didn't go about this the right way. You see, I bought each one separately and over a long period of time. Had I made the investment that you made, perhaps I would feel more guilt about the fact that I can't get my fat ass off the computer chair long enought to work out for 15 minutes. The bike stares at me from across the room. Every time I do laundry, I have to face the elliptical machine and "oh the guilt"...we folded up the bow flex to make room for our haunted house. We have yet to unfold it.
Recently, Mark let me know that he is not happy with the fact that I ignore all of this expensive equipment. I must say that he wasn't very nice about it. Ouch! Well, the bow flex wasn't supposed to be for my sole use. We were going to use it as a family. Yeah right!
I tell myself everyday that tomorrow will be the day that I start to train. I will one day run the Boston Marathon too.
The thing that always runs through my mind is the fact that every time I have started an exercise program, I have also ended an exercise program. So, I talk myself out of starting again. I am waiting for the giant sign from God that it is finally time to stop screwing around and to get in shape.
Well, now I am telling myself that I will get on that bike right after Christmas. I will not be fat at this time next year and I am determined. I am determined to put it off until after Christmas.
I know that you can do this Jen! I love the elliptical and am envious that you have a really good one. Have fun...take it one day at a time and keep your eyes on the prize. Enough platitudes for you???? You can do it!!!!
I am happy to report that, since Bertha was birthed on Thursday, the machine has been used 7 times (including 5 times by me). (That's about $428 per use, so far.) I am loving it, but now I definitely need to build a proper exercise room in the basement!
Post a Comment
<< Home